"Hello! Mama talkin'!" She must've been talking to Angelina Jolie, who looked as though she rolled up out of bed and put on a dress we've seen her wear before. She looked like she didn't even comb her hair. With the photogs streaming their stills, Angelina looked so cold and statuesque. Oh well, I don't contribute to her paycheck. God forbid she look happy, she does something she loves for a living and gets paid way too much to do so.
Kate Winslet hit the ground running, she was exquisite! She really has grown into herself and into a strikingly confident woman. Her dress was classic and timeless. Sting! Was that really Sting or Joaquin Phoenix? Eva Longoria Parker donned a stunning red dress by Reem Acra, however on the red carpet, she looked like camouflage. I can assure you that she didn't appear that way on the telecast. She looked like an Old Hollywood Glamazon. Love Don Cheadle, always elegant and refined. Sally Hawkins' dress was amazing, reminiscent of classic Vera Wang, enchanting. At least the top of it was! The bottom of the dress made it look like a sackcloth and it didn't help that Hawkins looked like an anorexic vampiress in the dress. We decided that she should partake in a double steakburger and milkshake. Why were the Jonas Brothers there? It was past their bedtime and it wasn't the Teen Choice Awards...jeez. Jake Gyllenhaal is always ruggedly handsome. Drew Barrymore's dress was breathtaking, but her hair was a ratty mess! She and Jessica Lange strolled onto the red carpet giggling and holding hands. They looked as though they'd just spent detention smoking blunts. Anyway..
Not a fan of Maggie Gyllenhaal anyway but she looked like leopard at an aquarium...did enjoy Laura Linney's chamois colored confection. It had the right amount of ruching and draping, now if we could do something about the blush..yikes! Don't get me wrong, there is a fine line of too much and not enough blush, but someone's getting paid to walk that line. Elizabeth Banks presented with Seth Rogen. I loved her look but she had on too many accessories. Yes, it's possible to wear too many accessories at one time! I wonder if McDreamy's hair is as soft as it looks. I would love to run my fingers through it, and I wonder if he smells as good as he looks. Megan Fox' hair was so tight it made me cringe. She is a beautiful woman even if she is engaged to David Silver from 90210. Jennifer Lopez looked like she wanted her husband's hands off of her body! Glenn Close looked like Queen Elizabeth II's frumpy younger sister and I am so mad at Tracy Morgan for being the face of 'Post-Racial America'-- it was funny but don't even get me started. Kate Beckinsale looked like creme fraiche or meringue, light and airy but I didn't care for her severe hairstyle, it looked like an instant face lift. Who doesn't love Martin Scorsese getting choked up giving his friend his award? Sandra Bullock looked like a scoop of sweet vanilla bean ice cream. She had luminous botticelli-esque waves and just enough color on her face to make her incandescent. She is someone these young trollops can pay attention to to get it right on the red carpet. Kate Winslet looked doubly radiant the second time around. She was very deserving of her accolades.
Thus begins my winter trifecta: Golden Globes, SAGs and the Oscars. While my husband yells at the tv watching football, I grimace at Drew Barrymore's hair, Renee Zellweger's dress and Angelina in general. I start with the Red Carpet and consult with my soulsisters on a need-be basis. Goodnight, Fashion.
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